Most days I feel like I got this, I don’t crave a drink, and when people ask how I’m doing I easily reply “I’m good!” Last night wasn’t one of those days. I’m not sure what triggered it exactly, but it started with an article I read. Someone I really look up to, that used to work on the show, said some things about me that weren’t true in an article (for the record I’ve never called paparazzi, not sure why this is still a thing). I felt defeated, kinda like no matter what I do, the lies about me won’t stop (I know I shouldn’t care, but I do). Sean was out, our new situation is working, but knowing he was out, enjoying his Friday night having drinks just made me….jealous. I was alone with the kids, feeling emotional and all I wanted was a fun night out where I could forget all the bullshit. I felt it, it’s a feeling I can’t totally describe, but it’s almost like an internal itchiness, a restlessness, a craving from somewhere deep inside. I know what I should do, call my sponsor, reach out to a sober friend, but I didn’t want to last night, I knew what they would say and I didn’t want to hear it, I really, really just wanted to drink.
Getting sober is hard, staying sober is too. It still takes me by surprise sometimes, that triggering feeling that comes out of nowhere, that little voice that says “it’s okay, you could drink, it’ll be different this time,” because logically I know it won’t be. People ask me if I miss drinking, and I usually reply “no, my drinking wasn’t like yours,” and this is true, but last night, last night I really, really missed it to the point where I cried.
If you’re reading this and you struggle, you aren’t alone. I’m writing this to hold myself accountable, I know it’s more “dear diary” then a blog post, but maybe it’ll help someone, even just admitting it helps me in a way.
It’s okay if sobriety isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, it’s okay to hate it sometimes, it’s okay to admit you miss it.
One day at a time isn’t just a cute phrase, it’s a lifeline when things get so overwhelming. Just for today, just for this minute, and even just for this second.
I didn’t drink yesterday, that’s what matters.