I’m sitting in bed, it’s Friday, I only know this because someone told me, the days are running together into an endless blur, and if you had told me 3 weeks ago I was going to be in my house with 8 kids for a few months, I would of thought it was impossible, but here we are, and we’re okay.
This is hard, it’s hard for all of us, we’re scared, we’re anxious, we don’t know where the bottom is. I wake up everyday and try to be positive and have some kind of structure (I need some,) but by mid afternoon, when the kids are occupied and I’m alone with my thoughts I can’t help but cry. This is a lot, this is a lot that came upon us really fast.
I’ve dealt with anxiety since I was a kid so I’m not new to this, as Glennon Doyle said “I know how to deal with anxiety and fear because I’ve been practicing my whole life.” It’s true but this is some next level BS right here. I’m trying to be the calm center for my family, I’m trying to educate, feed and protect them, and it’s hard and it’s scary.
I’m sure I’m just rambling, this is my brain these days, a series of disjointed thoughts that come and go, but I wanted to get them down, I wanted to say “this is tough on everyone, you’re not alone,” we might feel alone safe in our houses (I know we’re supposed to say safe at home, but I really feel trapped at home,) and it’s okay, if you’re not okay.
We can do this, we can do hard things (another line from my new favorite Glennon,) we will get through this, but we can also say it sucks and hide in our closets if we need to. Being strong doesn’t mean you can’t cry or breakdown, remember that, it’s easier to avoid emotions then to feel them, strength comes from being honest with what you’re going through, I lost it just yesterday taking this family photo (don’t we look happy?) I was trying to get the family together for a dance party for Bravotv and none of the kids were listening, Rowan popped Curren’s balloon, tears were flowing and I said “screw all of you,” jumped in my car to drive aimlessly and have a few moments to myself.
I’m here, I’m doing my best, and I know you guys are too, this will end and there will be an after.